This post has sat in my drafts for weeks, as I debated whether or not to post it. I'm making myself a little vulnerable here, so if there was ever a time to leave me a comment, it's on this post! Sometimes we need to speak out in order to heal...
When I was in high school, I didn't belong. I was bullied, I was laughed at, and I was called names. I was different, and that made me vulnerable. I hated high school and was glad that it was over. I never realized until recently just how much and for how long I allowed those years to define me.
So here's the thing: in life, you have choices. You can make a choice to walk through life being angry and ugly. You can make a choice to let one insignificant person destroy your happiness. You can make a choice to walk away and be the stronger person. You can make the choice to strike back. You can make the choice to give up your power and let them win. You can make the choice to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.
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Those bullies, who were sweet and kind to my face, said ugly things behind my back. There were thinly veiled remarks and jokes, made at my expense.
Yet I desperately tried so hard to belong, because they were "my friends." I pretended to laugh at their jokes, but inside my heart was aching. Each day I felt left out and left behind. If it hadn't been for my church youth group family, I honestly don't know that I would have survived.
For even years after, I felt the sting of their words. I felt worthless, I didn't trust anyone.
For even years after, I felt the sting of their words. I felt worthless, I didn't trust anyone.
This kind of harassment is an all too often occurrence in school, but it happens in our adult lives as well. There will always be people who feel the strongest when they are laughing at another's expense; kind to your face and cruel behind your back.
My biggest struggle in life has been the need to prove myself to those around me. Prove that I am worthy, prove that I belong. In my desperate need to fit in, I lost myself along the way because I tried to be someone that I'm not.
You can make a choice to show the love of God in all you say and do.
I choose love. I choose forgiveness. I choose to let go. What do you choose?
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Kristin---I completely understand! It wasn't my "friends" that formed my self-esteem (which my late husband used to say was, (pardon the expression) lower than whale poop!)--it was my mother. If I got a b, it should've been an a. NO accomplishment was good enough. EVER. Sadly, I finally severed the ties. I just couldn't take it anymore-even through e-mail she could bring me down. I suggest two books-Jennifer Koystal's (sp?) Taking Off the Robes(it's a Bible study and it's awesome!) and Rokelle Lerner's Affirmations for the Inner Child. It's a small daily reading book I swear by. And-listen to Rick! Please feel free to e-mail me--if you need to talk!
ReplyDeleteOh-AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Blessings, Sharon
Putting yourself out there for the world to see is HARD! I think that is one reason that I have yet to post one thing on a blog that I started a couple years ago. I thank you for being real! So many times people say, but you have it all together?...how do you do it with 4 kids?....sadly I don't have it all together and most days I dont "do it" at all. Yet, my heavenly FATHER loves me unconditionally and nothing should matter except that I live in obedience to HIM. When we choose to let our past eat away at victories that the Lord has brought to us we allow satan to rob us of the JOY that God has placed in our lives. satan will use friends, loved ones and even enemies to bring us to our knees. Each day I have to chose who I believe....GOD or the lies of the evil one. Easy? No not at all, yet I take each moment and chose again! When I can't do it for myself I ask HIM to go before me! "But I call to God, and the LORD saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress,and he hears my voice. Psalm 55:16&17
ReplyDeleteI have just recently become a follower of your blog and I am so glad that the Lord sent me this way!
Thanks again for being REAL!!
What a beautifully written post! Life is just plain hard, and to be strong through it all is even harder. I always struggle with low self-esteem. I'm not sure why, it's just one of my things. The reason I say that is because "everyone" has something, you know? None of us our perfect. But if you treat others kindly, and listen to your heart, life is a bit easier. I know it must have taken a tremendous amount of courage to write your post. I think by doing that, you have to feel better already. Life these days are just a day at a time. And look what you have done with your days. You alone brought two little ones into your life who you are now a Mommy to. That in itself, speaks volumes about the person you are!
ReplyDeleteTake care, Sue
What a real and touching post. I'm glad you shared this. Everyone goes through this, one way or another - whether they share it or not. There is such great power in storytelling -- Sharing your story will most definitely help others with their own.
ReplyDeleteYou are completely right, this happens not only in schools (although it's sad that children & teens need to deal with this type of hurt) but in the workforce, communities, etc.. It's silly when you actually think about it.
Your boyfriend sounds like a very smart man. Those people are not worth the anger, frustration and hate they create. You are the only person you should strive to make happy.
I'm glad you choose forgiveness. When we forgive, we are the ones who most benefit from it! :)
I'm so glad you finally wrote this post! You know my story and you know that you are not alone in this. We go through so much as teenagers and you would think everything just fades away when we enter adulthood, but unfortunately it doesn’t. We can only be true to ourselves and live our lives the way we think is best for our families, we can't control what people think or say about us, but we can control our own actions and how we handle the situation. I'm so sorry about the way you have been feeling lately, but I'm happy that our situations have brought us closer and that we get to vent to each other knowing and understanding what the other is feeling. I will continue to pray for you and always remember you have a friend that understands and will help you through it!
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting how long something can stay with you all the way from childhood. Back in first grade kids made fun of my maiden name and I still don't like to say it outloud to this day. I'm always surprised that people don't laugh after I say it. Kids didn't make fun of it my whole childhood, just that one year, and yet it is still with me!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your honesty and for sharing, Kristin. I'm glad you wrote this for yourself. It's funny how long this stuff stays with you. I didn't have a good high school experience, either, but mine was due to a horrible boyfriend. It took me a long time to get over everything and work through everything, but let me tell you that you can get past it all, and life is so much brighter when you do.
ReplyDeleteI was a homeschool dork trying to fit in with all the "cool" kids.
ReplyDeleteNow that I am grown up I am a dork trying to fit in with the "cool" bloggers;)Ha!
I am sorry that you were bullied and I hope that you will learn to see yourself through the eyes of God. You are beautifully and wonderfully made my friend.
Hey girl!! I LOVED this post!! It's so true that words hurt so much more and longer than anything else. BUT, choosing forgiveness and to let go is the way to go.
ReplyDeleteHope you are doing well! Happy late birthday and I hope you had a great Mother's Day!
XOXO!
Rach
Our daughter is 8 and already has been hurt by friends so many times. This is exactly what we are trying to teach her so she can believe and know she is a good person even when her "friends" try to drag her down.
ReplyDeleteI'm so slow at reading blogs and am just getting caught up. I just want to say that I love you and you are truly one of my favorite people.
ReplyDeleteGirl, you are beautiful inside and out. Your a strong person to forgive!
ReplyDeleteLove to you!
Kristin
Can you tell I'm catching up?
ReplyDeleteKristin - I think you're a beautiful, giving, loving person. Some of my closest/most special friendships are the ones I've made online and I'm thankful that we've "met". :)
Roeshel