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Adoption is a sensitive issue, and people who have not experienced it, cannot begin to imagine what it’s really like. I want to emphasize that this post is not to make me appear defensive, and I do not intend to offend anyone, but rather to keep it a somewhat light-hearted, comic style satire. As an adoptive parent, I feel that it’s my responsibility to my children to educate others on positive and negative language surrounding adoption. While I believe that people generally are not trying to be insensitive, the words that come out of their mouths sometimes just make me want to smack them.
*Editor’s note: I am not shaming anyone with this post. I do realize that sometimes people really truly are being kind and honestly are curious and have no ill intention. However, some really need to think before they speak. In the same respect, please think before sending me a nasty email or leaving an ugly comment. This post is meant to encourage healthy discussion, not to shame anyone for their thoughts and opinions. Also, I want to make it clear that I actually have heard each of these questions, often by people who barely know me. Thank you!
I have had strangers, and even friends, ask the following questions or make the following comments:
1. He looks just like you, it was meant to be! or even better She looks just like he could be yours!
Actually, he is mine, and so is she. We may have fair skin, or similar noses, but I am completely aware of the fact that they do not share my DNA, and really don’t need to be reminded of it. Just tell me they’re beautiful – I will happily agree even if I can’t take credit for that.
2. How much did he/she cost?
Got him on sale, and I had a coupon!!
Babies do not cost money. Adoptions cost money. And it is rude to ask what an adoption costs even if you phrase it correctly. If you are truly interested, ask for some websites to do some research on your own.
3. Do you know anything about their real mother?
I am their real mother. I am going to raise them, sit with them when they are sick, bandage their owies, and pay for college. Their birth mother gave birth to them, and for that I will always be grateful, but they are mine and I am their real mother.
4. Are you going to have any children of your own?
See above. They are my own children and I will love them more than you can know.
5. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
Sorry, it’s physically impossible, and unless God decides Jesus needs a sister, I will not become pregnant now that I have adopted. Yes, we all know our cousin’s secretary’s sister who got pregnant three months after adopting. But this doesn’t happen in a statistically significant manner. And you have no idea what kind of fertility struggles someone may have gone through before adopting, so it’s better not to mention this to families adopting their first child.
6. Was her mom on drugs? Are you worried she might have problems later on?
Darn! I forgot to send in the warranty papers for the money back guarantee! First of all, the circumstances regarding my children’s births are none of your business, thankyouverymuch. He is my son, she is my daughter, and if any medical issues arise, I will deal with them the same as you would your children.
7. Why did they take him away? or Why did she give him away/give him up?
Again, none of your beeswax! “They” did not “take him away,” and she did not “give him away” or “give him up.” Parental rights of the birthparents are terminated for specific reasons, because it is in the best interest of the child for their safety and well being. (In the case of open adoptions, the positive language would be to say that the birthmother “chose adoption.”)
8. Are you going to tell him he’s adopted?
The noneofyourbusinessgetoutofmyface response is becoming wildly popular. Adoption is rarely a secret in families in this day and age. It is part of their life story and it’s something we are open about. As is developmentally appropriate, my children will always know that they are incredibly loved and came to our family in a special way.
9. Is she yours? (I haven’t personally heard this one, but other’s have, so it’s worth sharing, and it’s the one I have the best answer to)
Nope, she’s on loan from the daycare down the street. Just taking her for a test drive to see if I want to keep her. (Here’s your sign…)
And my personal favorite…
10. He’s so lucky.
Correction, I am the lucky one. They have changed my life in ways you can only imagine.
You want to see how lucky I am?
As the father of two wonderful kids, and yes they are adopted. My wife and I LOVED IT! We have gotten most, if not all of the questions at one point or another. We laughed at most of your answers and plan on using others if, or should I say when, we get them! Thanks for the laugh’s!
Thanks for your comment, Don! I loved writing this post, mostly because it’s all true! Haha!!
People should get slapped for what they sometimes! I love this post and your light heartedness of it even though I am sure it comes from a truthful place in some ways.
Love you girly!
I have to say getting the opposite to #1 makes me want to slug a person. I KNOW my kids don’t look like me. I don’t need you reminding me – or worse – reminding THEM that “we couldn’t possibly” be related. I had one woman in a store ask me TWICE if I was married to a “Mexican”. Awesome.
Your post had me cracking up. I have heard and continue to hear these stupid comments. We adopted our little boy in December 2011, and I can’t describe the joy in my heart. Thank you for making my day!!
Love this post. I’ve heard them all. The most offensive comments that I get are from children just trying to figure it out. I don’t get upset with them but praise them for their interest in trying to understand the beauty of adoption and how best to talk about it. These kids won’t grow up and make these blunders. Education is the key! Thank you for taking the time to educate!
Growing up the only white child in a Mexican family, I have to say that surprisingly comment #1 was quite the popular comment that has been said to me and my Mom. It’s actually quite funny. I kind of get a kick out of it. 🙂
LOL ! I heard all of them too : as a child AND as a mother ! I’m glad that that kind of comments make me laugh now…
Your kids are cute 🙂
Well done Kristin!A lot of people are sometimes just unaware of how they might offend! But good for you for sharing in quite an amusing way.You kids are absolutely gorgeous!
Well, they are beautiful and it looks like you get the thumbs up too.
I have six kids and some times well intentioned people would ask “are they all yours?”. Which isn’t so bad, but it would be followed by “Are they all from the same father?”. Hard for me not to give a sarcastic answer back like “GOSH no, I used to be a hooker”.
~Bliss~
Such a great and also informative post Kristin! My sis was adopted and I remember all those ? growing up. I do however think I am guilty of one, Lucky….is it ok to say you are both lucky, blessed and fortunate 🙂
XO
Kristin
I think this is beautiful! I just love your response to number 6. I’m an adoption social worker for the public agency where I live and i think I have said some of these things! Shame on me.
I loved, and laughed at your list. I’ve done that! Yikes!!! Thanks for keeping your sense of humor about how stupid some of us can be.
What an awesome post! I have friends whom are adopted and who have adopted. I think I may be guilty of the lucky, however I said How lucky they are to have come together as a family. You are right though, we should all stop and think before we say something that may be very insensitive. Thanks for this post. Your kids are soooooo cute! I love how their personalities just brighten the screen!
My husband and I adopted 2 girls from Korea and we’ve heard all of the above. How about this one? We were in Newport, Rhode Island touring the mansions and one of the workers said, “I see you have 2 cuties.” (We had the 2 girls and our older son.) I said, “THREE cuties.” Then the person sputtered out, “Yes, three cuties”.
People just don’t think. Know what I mean?
Best wishes, Linda
Yes, Kristin you are the lucky one to have such beautiful children. But they are also lucky to have you as their wonderful mother. Love the picture you posted.
I love these posts-especially since I’m a mother through adoption. Posts like these go a long way in educating people. I am very difficult to offend and usually respond in a silly way to these comments since most people do not realize what they are saying can be offensive. I know I’ve said offensive things to others without realizing it more times than I know!
I always love that people ask if we will tell our daugher if she’s adopted. Um, she’s a different race. I think she may catch on eventually. Another comment that always gets us is when people tell us our daughter looks so much like Daddy. My husband usually responds with something like, “WHAT? I looke like a little asian girl????” We don’t care what our children look like and forget that our family is a conspicuous family adoption to others. We do find humor in *most* of the comments.
Good advice. Heads up, all mothers get asked stupid questions – why does the world need to know our business? Thanks for saying this as graciously as you did. Enjoy your babies.
I’m sure I have been guilty in the past of saying #1! I will be more careful in the future!
Sometimes people just don’t think before they speak. As adoptions become more and more open and public, hopefully the comments that are hurtful will stop.
I will add that I’ve been told my children were lucky to have me as their mom ~ and I’m their birth mom. I take it as a compliment and then reply the same way you did ~ No, I’m the lucky one!
Wonderful, beautiful, well-said post!