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Adoption is a sensitive issue, and people who have not experienced it, cannot begin to imagine what it’s really like. I want to emphasize that this post is not to make me appear defensive, and I do not intend to offend anyone, but rather to keep it a somewhat light-hearted, comic style satire. As an adoptive parent, I feel that it’s my responsibility to my children to educate others on positive and negative language surrounding adoption. While I believe that people generally are not trying to be insensitive, the words that come out of their mouths sometimes just make me want to smack them.
*Editor’s note: I am not shaming anyone with this post. I do realize that sometimes people really truly are being kind and honestly are curious and have no ill intention. However, some really need to think before they speak. In the same respect, please think before sending me a nasty email or leaving an ugly comment. This post is meant to encourage healthy discussion, not to shame anyone for their thoughts and opinions. Also, I want to make it clear that I actually have heard each of these questions, often by people who barely know me. Thank you!
I have had strangers, and even friends, ask the following questions or make the following comments:
1. He looks just like you, it was meant to be! or even better She looks just like he could be yours!
Actually, he is mine, and so is she. We may have fair skin, or similar noses, but I am completely aware of the fact that they do not share my DNA, and really don’t need to be reminded of it. Just tell me they’re beautiful – I will happily agree even if I can’t take credit for that.
2. How much did he/she cost?
Got him on sale, and I had a coupon!!
Babies do not cost money. Adoptions cost money. And it is rude to ask what an adoption costs even if you phrase it correctly. If you are truly interested, ask for some websites to do some research on your own.
3. Do you know anything about their real mother?
I am their real mother. I am going to raise them, sit with them when they are sick, bandage their owies, and pay for college. Their birth mother gave birth to them, and for that I will always be grateful, but they are mine and I am their real mother.
4. Are you going to have any children of your own?
See above. They are my own children and I will love them more than you can know.
5. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
Sorry, it’s physically impossible, and unless God decides Jesus needs a sister, I will not become pregnant now that I have adopted. Yes, we all know our cousin’s secretary’s sister who got pregnant three months after adopting. But this doesn’t happen in a statistically significant manner. And you have no idea what kind of fertility struggles someone may have gone through before adopting, so it’s better not to mention this to families adopting their first child.
6. Was her mom on drugs? Are you worried she might have problems later on?
Darn! I forgot to send in the warranty papers for the money back guarantee! First of all, the circumstances regarding my children’s births are none of your business, thankyouverymuch. He is my son, she is my daughter, and if any medical issues arise, I will deal with them the same as you would your children.
7. Why did they take him away? or Why did she give him away/give him up?
Again, none of your beeswax! “They” did not “take him away,” and she did not “give him away” or “give him up.” Parental rights of the birthparents are terminated for specific reasons, because it is in the best interest of the child for their safety and well being. (In the case of open adoptions, the positive language would be to say that the birthmother “chose adoption.”)
8. Are you going to tell him he’s adopted?
The noneofyourbusinessgetoutofmyface response is becoming wildly popular. Adoption is rarely a secret in families in this day and age. It is part of their life story and it’s something we are open about. As is developmentally appropriate, my children will always know that they are incredibly loved and came to our family in a special way.
9. Is she yours? (I haven’t personally heard this one, but other’s have, so it’s worth sharing, and it’s the one I have the best answer to)
Nope, she’s on loan from the daycare down the street. Just taking her for a test drive to see if I want to keep her. (Here’s your sign…)
And my personal favorite…
10. He’s so lucky.
Correction, I am the lucky one. They have changed my life in ways you can only imagine.
You want to see how lucky I am?
Beautiful post! I have just posted my own story on my blog, http://www.simpleorganizedchaoticness.blogspot.com, if you’re interested. Thank you for sharing!
I should do a post like this for em’s feeding tube.
I’m so thankful for this post! Good friends of mine are in the process of adopting… and I’m glad to know what NOT to say when their new child arrives 🙂 Thanks for the tips!
I did it! You’re on my FB!
I absolutely love this and would love to know how to post it to my facebook page!
Thanks for the post. My daughter is heading down that road so it was fun to read. We have 6 children and get comments like “don’t you have a tv”. My husband was asked at an interview once “what are you catholic or mormon”. I think we all need to just think before we speak sometimes.
Thanks for laying it all out there for people who don’t think or may not know the right things to say.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing this. We all say dumb things and although we all need more grace I totally agree with your response to most dumb comments or questions…which is the blank stare. We refer to this in my family as the “tree full of owls” response. Feel free to borrow!!!
Your children are beautiful. I am an adoptive mom of an amazing 4 year old boy and I have heard every one of those comments, and more! Thank you for such a great post!
Wow and I thought the questions I got because I am a single mom were bad. People just don’t think sometimes.
PS. Your children are beautiful. 🙂
I enjoyed reading your post, Kristin! There are some things that you have mentioned that I may have been guilty of saying in the past. I agree with a previous poster you are all lucky to have one another. 🙂 Megan
Wonderful and informative post. Our youngest son is adopted and so far the comments people have made to me have been fine and very supportive, but my oldest sons PE teacher(when she found out his younger brother was adopted) asked him “is he white?”. I was flabergasted that someone would ask that!
Beautiful, well written post! I think sometimes people just let words “fall” out of their mouth without any thought process behind them. You are a wonderful, loving Mom with wonderful loving children. It was nice seeing you today!
Take care,
Sue
We have been asked ALL of these and have had sarcastic comments in reply before. The worst is when I introduced my baby as “this is my daughter Jasmine” and the park stranger said, “Well she is NOT totally yours!” To which I of course replied, “she is 100% my daughter.”
DO you need my life story?!!!
thank you for sharing this. my neighbor is in the process of adopting a little girl. I consider myself discrete and polite, but it was good to see how something I may think is “nothing” may be a big “something” to her. Thank you!!
Your children are beautiful!
Doreen
This was a very interesting post. I’m adopted myself, so I heard many of these kinds of comments from the child’s perspective as I was growing up. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Sorry if I’ve ever said any of those things to you. I think yall are lucky to have each other b/c your a beautiful family with a lovely story. I will never know what is like to be an adoptive parent, but I do know what it’s like to get stupid questions. Like where did I get Holden??? Or the blank stare and is he mixed with something??? I answered that one with yes PITBULL and he gets it from his moms side….with a smile on my face…Yall love each other and trust me no one can question that love.
Your children are beautiful! I can’t imagine anyone feeling the need to say any of those things. You’re a better person that I am because I would have thrown water/bricks at them at the very least. In many cases adoptive mothers have to fight much harder for their children and shouldn’t be put down for it!
Yikes…I’m 100% positive I’ve told you how lucky they are to have you as a mom…sorry about that…what I meant to say was how lucky you are to have such wonderful children…now please don’t hate me…;)