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Adoption is a sensitive issue, and people who have not experienced it, cannot begin to imagine what it’s really like. I want to emphasize that this post is not to make me appear defensive, and I do not intend to offend anyone, but rather to keep it a somewhat light-hearted, comic style satire. As an adoptive parent, I feel that it’s my responsibility to my children to educate others on positive and negative language surrounding adoption. While I believe that people generally are not trying to be insensitive, the words that come out of their mouths sometimes just make me want to smack them.
*Editor’s note: I am not shaming anyone with this post. I do realize that sometimes people really truly are being kind and honestly are curious and have no ill intention. However, some really need to think before they speak. In the same respect, please think before sending me a nasty email or leaving an ugly comment. This post is meant to encourage healthy discussion, not to shame anyone for their thoughts and opinions. Also, I want to make it clear that I actually have heard each of these questions, often by people who barely know me. Thank you!
I have had strangers, and even friends, ask the following questions or make the following comments:
1. He looks just like you, it was meant to be! or even better She looks just like he could be yours!
Actually, he is mine, and so is she. We may have fair skin, or similar noses, but I am completely aware of the fact that they do not share my DNA, and really don’t need to be reminded of it. Just tell me they’re beautiful – I will happily agree even if I can’t take credit for that.
2. How much did he/she cost?
Got him on sale, and I had a coupon!!
Babies do not cost money. Adoptions cost money. And it is rude to ask what an adoption costs even if you phrase it correctly. If you are truly interested, ask for some websites to do some research on your own.
3. Do you know anything about their real mother?
I am their real mother. I am going to raise them, sit with them when they are sick, bandage their owies, and pay for college. Their birth mother gave birth to them, and for that I will always be grateful, but they are mine and I am their real mother.
4. Are you going to have any children of your own?
See above. They are my own children and I will love them more than you can know.
5. You know you’ll get pregnant within a year now.
Sorry, it’s physically impossible, and unless God decides Jesus needs a sister, I will not become pregnant now that I have adopted. Yes, we all know our cousin’s secretary’s sister who got pregnant three months after adopting. But this doesn’t happen in a statistically significant manner. And you have no idea what kind of fertility struggles someone may have gone through before adopting, so it’s better not to mention this to families adopting their first child.
6. Was her mom on drugs? Are you worried she might have problems later on?
Darn! I forgot to send in the warranty papers for the money back guarantee! First of all, the circumstances regarding my children’s births are none of your business, thankyouverymuch. He is my son, she is my daughter, and if any medical issues arise, I will deal with them the same as you would your children.
7. Why did they take him away? or Why did she give him away/give him up?
Again, none of your beeswax! “They” did not “take him away,” and she did not “give him away” or “give him up.” Parental rights of the birthparents are terminated for specific reasons, because it is in the best interest of the child for their safety and well being. (In the case of open adoptions, the positive language would be to say that the birthmother “chose adoption.”)
8. Are you going to tell him he’s adopted?
The noneofyourbusinessgetoutofmyface response is becoming wildly popular. Adoption is rarely a secret in families in this day and age. It is part of their life story and it’s something we are open about. As is developmentally appropriate, my children will always know that they are incredibly loved and came to our family in a special way.
9. Is she yours? (I haven’t personally heard this one, but other’s have, so it’s worth sharing, and it’s the one I have the best answer to)
Nope, she’s on loan from the daycare down the street. Just taking her for a test drive to see if I want to keep her. (Here’s your sign…)
And my personal favorite…
10. He’s so lucky.
Correction, I am the lucky one. They have changed my life in ways you can only imagine.
You want to see how lucky I am?
You are absolutely correct in everything you have shared. Here is another one for down the road when they are older:
Sometimes people like to interfere by saying things like, “You don’t have to do what they say. They aren’t your real parents.” If your child is at a vulnerable age, this can be hurtful to them and everyone in the family. This undermines your authority as that child’s parent. Nip it in immediately.
Or the other one, a variation of one of the points posted. When someone feels the need to say something to y our child like, “Where are *your real parents*.”
Maintain open lines of communication with your child at every step.
I know that this may sound negative, but it isn’t really. It is just something to be aware of.
It’s totally NOT negative!! It’s what we have to be prepared for as adoptive parents who want to protect our children. Thank you for your insights.
As we struggled with infertility, the one that bugged me the most was meeting the friend from high school who now had four lovely children. Unfortunately, my mother had blabbed about our difficulties in getting and staying pregnant, and the first thing this friend said was, “Well, you could always have one or two of mine!” You are right. People need to pass thoughts through their mental filter before those thoughts get spoken by their lips. Your story is wonderful, and I found it very uplifting.
Yes! I’ve heard that one too! Sorry to hear of your struggles, Mary.
Your post is so close to my heart! Our son came into our lives 26 yrs ago. I think I have herd every single one of those comments but the very worst one was “let me see that rented baby”. I couldn’t even think I was so taken back by what the man said, But a man stepped in and reached and took him and “let me see this beautiful little boy” and got me by the arm and walked off with us. I have had the dumbest things said to me. I’m very proud of our adoption, we would not be a family without it. I really am his mom because I really cleaned his poopy butt, woke up all hours of the night, I hurt when he hurt, I really did just as much as “birth” parents but the fear that lives in the back of your mind “what if they want him back” is always there. I now have a mini-me that is 6’7″ and I’m 5’2″ and we couldn’t be more alike, its like we were cut from the same cloth. thanks for letting me vent. MANY BLESSINGS ON YOUR FAMILY.
You are wonderful
Kim
I am glad you posted this. My husband and I are trying to adopt and are still waiting for a connection. While that is painful enough the questions and comments only make it worse. Thanks for the humorous break.
We adooted through foster care. Im not trying to get in anyones personal business and you may have already considered that option but i am a real advcate for it so I thought I woukd mention jt. Best wishes to you and your family. Meeting your chimd for the first time is breath taking.
I stumbled across your thoughtful and very relatable notes when I clicked on your site for thanksgiving recipes on Pinterest. I related because 26 years ago a friend and I tried to address the same questions/ responses/ and rude assumptions imposed upon us by strangers and friends. We didn’t have the internet then and we couldn’t figure out a way to broadcast our feelings. Life went on!! Happily! The language and questions never abated though. Just last night an old friend who I’d not seen in years asked me ” So how’s Jessica?” I told her all about how and what Jessica is doing lately and then she asked “does she ever see her mother or siblings”. The answer is yes, but it still stings to hear the question. My daughter on the other hand thinks of that DNA side of her life as relatives but We are Mom and Dad
There is a long, long story here but I think I can say that it would take a national awareness and promotion of adoption campaign to change people’s ( especially women) visceral and emotional feelings about adoption. How could one woman hand over her baby and how could another view that baby as her own? You and I know, it’s all about the love all the way around. And yes, it’s very complicated!
We adopted two Hispanic girls and my husband and I are African-American. How do I respond to the question, did you do foster care? Or are they adopted?
What a question, right? I guess it depends on how much information you are willing to share. But I’d maybe say, “Actually we picked them up at the farmer’s market last week – 2 for the price of 1!”
It was good talking to you for a short time at your mom’s table Friday night. Loving the things you put on Facebook and looking forward to seeing more.
“Definition of SATIRE: the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” That’s what I did, no?
Also, I do defend adoption. All the time. I think it’s sad that you aren’t able to see the humor that obviously the other thousands of people who have read this article have, including many, many adoptive parents. Everyone handles their life situations differently and kudos to you for being perfect.
We sound like we could be sisters!! Lol!! Agree 100%!! My son is adopted and I have heard almost all of these. I am getting better with my answers, at first I wanted to rip some heads off for their ignorance! But people are curious and I find that most of them that ask stupid questions just have no clue on adoption and how it all works. So I’m trying to be a better advocate and less of a B*{<#!!! The more ya know the better you will understand. Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you for this wonderful and well written article. I loved the comedy too! I’ve experienced every one of those.
As the mother of 4 foster-adopted children, I think I’ve heard all of these questions multiple times. You hit the nail on the head with this. It doesn’t matter where they came from, they are my kids. Thanks for sharing.
i can see how all of these can be offensive except the one you havnt experienced. i get it can be hard to hear that question but its not something people purposfully direct at adoptive families. ive heard that question from many people to a lot of different families. its like saying is that your child. its directed by anyone with a child around them. like for example they can say is she yours, and if the childs your neice you reply no shes my sisters. if your baby sitting you say that. if the child is your child you say yes. Theyre curious if thats your child or if your babysitting ect.
I think in that case, perhaps it’s innocent. But a lot of times these questions are from complete strangers who really have no business asking the question in the first place, so they wouldn’t be curious if you’re babysitting. It may not be intentionally offensive, in fact I hardly think that at all. But people do ask questions quite often that are inappropriate. The point of the post is to make people aware that sometimes their seemingly innocent questions, can in fact be offensive, regardless of their intent. And even the best of intentions can be hurtful.
We are in the process of adopting from Ethiopia, and have had infertility struggles (not why we chose to adopt, we always wanted to adopt) and yes SOOO many people keep saying “oh be careful cuz I know someone who adopted then got pregnant” and other related stories. I am sick of people telling me like they know more about my body’s failure to produce eggs than they do, or that adoption somehow causes pregnancy.
omg…..thank you for adding humor to this because when it happens you sometimes wN to cringe or like you said, smack them. Even though adults understand and can read between the lines, what children hear is quite different.
I have corrected many people when they say are they yours? I actually had someone tell my son, (who told someone that he was adopted), “well that’s wonderful sweetie …. You got two families, the “home grown kind” and the “store bought kind”.
I told my husband I guess we’re the store bought ones!
OMG! I can’t believe the things that come out of people’s mouths!! What an awful thing to say to a child!!
Thank you very much for this article!! I will be an adoptive mum in a while and i have already heard some of this comments. I really love your answers. I would love to translate your post into Spanish and publish it in my blog http://1diamases1diamenos.wordpress.com/ (of course i would add your link as well). Is this posible?
Thank you very much!
Haha! I love this and yes, as an adoptive mom, I’ve heard all of these. I too don’t take a lot of offense to the curiosity, but think it’s important to educate people.
After battling infertility for 8 years, we actually did end up with a miraculous pregnancy when my son was 8 months and my biggest pet-peeve was hearing, “this always happens.” I am thrilled for my miracle, but I’m not crazy about being one of those pregnancy after adoption stories that validate people’s belief that adoption cures infertility, as I also know first hand how insensitive those comments are.
LEGACY OF AN ADOPTED CHILD
(Author Unknown)
Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember,
The other you call mother.
Two different lives
Shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star,
The other became your sun.
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality,
The other gave you a name.
One gave you a seed of talent,
The other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions,
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile,
The other dried your tears.
One gave you up –
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child
And God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me
Through your tears,
The age-old question
Through the years:
Heredity or environment
Which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling — neither,
Just two different kinds of love.
– See more at: http://www.friendsinadoption.org/adoption-in-the-media/adoption-quotes-poems/poem-legacy-of-an-adopted-child/#sthash.L5MsF4Do.dpuf
Neither of my children is adopted, but my youngest son looks NOTHING like me. I have black hair, black, almond-shaped eyes, and fair skin with olive undertones. He has white-blond hair, big, round blue eyes and a pink, freckle-y complexion — but he was born with bright red hair. Everyone just assumes he’s adopted or that I’m his nanny/babysitter/aunt by marriage. He was screaming at me at the city pool one day last summer and some crazy b*tch tried to tell the lifeguard I was trying to abduct a child.
So though I am not an adoptive mother, I get these crazy comments and I just cannot believe the stupidity and tactlessness of people.
Your kids are gorgeous!
Very interesting perspective. My family loves it when we are told my sister looks just like us she fits right in! I feel that it’s all what people decide to take an offence to. Yes, some of these questions are nasty, but, personally I don’t see why everything has to be a big secret. We also have an open adoption. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and everyone views thing differently. The way I handle questions I feel uncomfortable with is, people don’t know what they don’t know. My sister is the biggest blessing in my life and people most of the time don’t understand the situation. I’ve always been very open about things. I will be more cautious when asking questions about others adoptive experience. Thank you for sharing 🙂
Hi Brooke! Thanks for your comment. I definitely don’t feel like everything needs to be a big secret, and I’m personally an open book when people have questions, but I also feel like there’s a fine line between secrecy and privacy. This post was written from my own personal prospective as an adoptive parent, after talking to numerous others who have been hurt by the questions from people ask. It’s my hope that my post will just help people to think twice before asking very personal questions. 🙂
Totally understand this
I’m so happy that you wrote this post. I am adopted, as is my husband. My niece, my husband’s cousins…. I think we have heard them all. My favorite is “do you know your ‘real’ parents?” Why yes!! My real parents… Bandaged my scraped knees, took me to work with them, put me through school, endured my teenage years, watched me become my own person and supported me through all of it good, bad and sometimes ugly.
A second favorite is when or how did you find out… To me this is not a big deal. I have known since before I even knew what the word meant. It was part of my birthday, every year (still, I’m 39!) they recount how they picked me up at the hospital and even the neighbors came and who watched my siblings etc.
Love that story, thanks for sharing!!